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Clarkson Zitate

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"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in

your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963,

and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get

to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind

of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including

waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back


....."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in

1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

"America: 250 million wankers living in a country with no word for wanker"

On the Alfa Romeo Brera...

"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:

"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s"

and ends with "t" and its not "soot".

Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"

Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone

else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we

know, is that he's called the Stig!"

"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable.

More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler"

(Fed up during the caravaning trip)

"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play

ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you

have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration


"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout

about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted


(mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the

tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax

and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough

to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'

"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was

riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy

Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet

faced, leaf-eating Nazi"

"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair


1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6seconds and it

does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"

2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit dodgy"

3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go

and ask one of the 12 year old cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the

show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise:

"This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very

important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American

sitting on the tailgate..."

"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its

gearbox, its just........"

Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"

Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found

out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how

dead he was.

"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave

us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

Assessing Hammond's crash:

Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot


Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."

Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the

paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."

"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper


"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core

adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a

sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with

a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get

my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!"

"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one..."

Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I

guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel

with gingivitis."

Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!


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Gast Anonym16
'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

Nichts könnte es besser formulieren:wink:

Danke für die erstklassige Sammlung der Zitate:-))!


Vielen Dank für die Zitate :-))!

Ich kann mich noch gut erinnern, dass Top Gear und vor allem die Zitate ein großer Bestandteil des Gesprächsstoffes war, den wir auf dem Weg zu Marc hatten. :)

Top Gear ist einfach göttlich und JC hat dazu den größten Teil beigetragen.

Dafür hat es sich gelohnt die ganzen Englisch-Vokabeln damals in der Schule zu lernen :D

Zum Countach sagte er doch auch das:

Looking trough the rear window of the countach is like watching TV trought your mailslot X-)


Was mal wieder ein eindeutiger beweis dafür wäre, dass Top Gear einfach besser als alle vergleichbaren Sendungen ist:-))!

Vielen Dank dir :hug:

Porschefan GT3 RS
:sensation:geil: TOP GEAR FOR PRESIDENT :geil::sensation





Sehr geil! :D

Hab aber auch noch ein paar über "The Stig"

Some say he never blinks and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves.

Some say he's wanted by the CIA and that he sleeps upside down, like a bat.

Some say that he appears on high value stamps in Sweden and that he can catch fish with his tongue.

Some say he is illegal in 17 US states and he blinks vertically.

Some say that his breath smells of magnesium and that his scared of bells.

Some say he naturally faces magnetic north and that all his legs are hydraulic.

Some say that he lives in a tree and that his sweat can be used to clean precious


Some say that his heart ticks like a watch and that his confused by stairs.

Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats and that he has two sets of knees.

Some say that his terrified of ducks and that there’s an airport in Russia named after him.

Some say that his brain is a Satellite navigation system.

Some say that his skin has the texture of a dolphin’s, and where ever you are in the world if you tune your radios to 88.4, you can actually hear his thoughts.

Some say that he has no understanding of clouds - and that his ear wax tastes like Turkish delight.

Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground.

Some say that his tears are adhesive - and that if he caught fire, he'd burn for a thousand days.

Some say that he can swim seven lengths under water - and he has webbed buttocks.

Some say that his heart is in upside down - and that his teeth glow in the dark.

Some say that his ears aren’t exactly where you'd expect them to be - and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott.

Some say he has a digital face - and if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar.

Some say that his genitals are on upside down. And that if he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds.

Some say his ears have a Paisley lining - and he's been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show.

Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring - and that if you give him a really important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet.

Some say he invented Branston Pickle, and that if you insult his mother, he will head-butt you in the chest.

Some say that on really warm days he sheds his skin, like a snake, and for some reason he's allergic to the Dutch.

Some say that his first name really is 'The'; and that if he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant including the cameramen.

Some say he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and that long before anyone else he realised that Jade Goody was a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs.

Some say that he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the cash for honours scandal.

Some say that he's a C.I.A. experiment that went wrong, and that he only eats cheese. All we know is, he's not the Stig. But he is the Stig's American cousin!

Some say that if you lick his chest it tastes exactly the same as piccalilli. And that at this week's Brit awards he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand.

Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks. And that his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spear's head.

Some say that he isn't machine-washable and all his potted plants are called Steve.

MfG Olli

Max A8

Ich muss diesen Thread mal wieder ins Leben rufen, da TG ja jetzt leider länger Pause gemacht hat (bzw. immer noch macht). Daher noch ein paar von Clarkson:

"...having a Twin-Turbo V12 Diesel is like turning your central heating off at home and keeping warm by burning Rembrandts."

"The Toyota Yaris Verso. This is for people whose lives are completely empty. They are looking forward to the day they die, because it will give them something to do."

"In the last Jag you got a gramophone with a dog sitting on it."

"Speed limits are like herpes."

"Hammond, have you ever heard of a television program called "the news"?"

"I like the look of it now. It is behind that building." (Über den Panamera :D )


JC Über den 1er M:

"So, what do we got here? Well, there's a straight-six engine in the front, a manual gearbox in the middle and drive goes to the back. That is page one, chapter one from the petrosexual handbook."


Wie wäre es wenn wir diesen Thread mit dem Zitate rund ums Auto zusammen fügt? Wir doch sicher kein Problem sein oder?

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